There is a stigma.
Stepdads are taken as hero's meanwhile stepmom's don't get the same admiration. You're damned if you do, you're dammed if you don't. You're too involved, you’re not too involved. Your best life starts with you and I believe it is completely possible to succeed amongst all the extra stressors that come with this new role of being a stepmom. If you are a new stepmom, first off, take a deep breathe, it's all going to be okay. I know you have the potential to thrive in your role as a step mom but first off you have to dive in and ask yourself all the uncomfortable truths. What is working here? and what is not. In this post I want to share with you some of the most important lessons I learned along the way.
Disclaimer- This isn't a place to shame and bash others. This is a blog to open up the conversation about Step family life with an open mind. A place to have solution focused conversations and find understanding.
1. You don't know, what you don't know. Ever heard that saying '' well you knew what you were signing up for when you decided to date a man with kids?'' Thanks Susan, of course I knew but did I really know? I didn't know my partner's life would feel so controlled. I didn't know we would be living off a schedule I had no part in creating. No stepmom likes to hear this but I sure as hell don't think anyone would say to a pregnant woman '' Well you knew what you were signing up for when you decided to get pregnant! ''.
You will find that there are a lot of double standards so find stepmom friends who you can relate to. You can't understand what you don't know. I could never understand the parents I work for who I help aide their children who have special needs. It is my job but it's not my experience.
2. Hurt people hurt people. Happy independent people do not go around creating conflict. Happy people take control of their own life. If you are dealing with a high conflict person or situation, empathy will go a long way. Just think for a second that this person needs to go through life feeling so angry. It's good to consider maybe this person hasn't done the healing they would have liked to in order to have the relationship they may want with you. Remember It's more about them than it is about you. This is about where they are in their journey. Focus on yours and always be the bigger person.
3. This isn't about you this is about what you represent. This one is my favorite. For the ex you may represent what she once wanted for her life. For your stepchild you may just represent that you are standing in between the relationship she may have with her mom or dad. It's not about you. Don't take it personal.
4. Giving grace to the EX. I'll say this again. What people do is more about them than it is about you. Pray for them send them love. Remember she is trying to process and navigate her own story.
5. Play the long game. I didn't always play the long game. I've had my moments but here is the key. Ask yourself what do you want your stepchildren to remember about their childhood? Would you want them to remember their stepmom and mom fighting like cats and dogs? or would you want them to remember something along the lines of ''My stepmom or my mom went through a lot but she always handled it with grace''. I want my stepdaughter to remember the good and how she felt coming into our home. Little things such as soft music, candles, dimming the lights go a long way for setting the vibe of your home.
6. Set Boundaries. When being deliberate about your relationship there has to be boundaries. Perhaps there is a lot of conflict going back and forth, entitlement etc. It's up to you and your partner to create a safe and healthy space for you and your family. Remember you don't need to attend every argument you're invited to. Get clear on what you will and will not communicate about. Get clear on who is doing what.
It is entirely possible for two people to see the exact same situation completely different. No one is going to like a boundary that doesn't benefit them. They don't even have to respect it. Boundaries are not there for them, boundaries are there for you. They are there to protect the vibe of your home at all costs. Your home includes your stepchildren. It's like having a house with no front door or windows, you need to protect the vibe of your home. You may hear that you're insecure, controlling, possessive, the list goes on but all of that doesn't matter because when you're clear on who you are and what your true intentions are, what people think of you just won't matter. You won't find the need to explain yourself.
7. Don't lose yourself. When I first came into the picture I wanted to do it all. I wanted to change my schedule to help my partner with his daughter. I came in with good intentions and honestly a lot of that backfired. I got resentful. I realized that some situations were affecting how I showed up for everyone. I realized I did not have to have my finger on everything. I disengaged. My partner was more than capable of handling his own, even though I didn't think he was at the time.
8. Don't have expectations. Don't expect anything different. There was a time where my partner and I would be able to predict reactions and outcomes to certain situations. The stress was just not worth it. It's intimidating to live with inconsistency.
Don’t expect anything from kids either, take your cue’s from them. Remember they didn’t sign up to have two homes. Two homes and two different set of house rules and expectations can be tough, and always always encourage quality time with their parent.
The lessons go on but these were some of my top ones. Remember blended family life isn't a one size fits all. What works for one family may not work for another. When all is said and done remember you are a stepmom in the first place because you fell in love with this man. Never lose sight of focusing on your relationship. He is your person and if your relationship doesn't feel solid nothing else is worth the time and headache.
I consider myself lucky that I get a better version of my partner because of his experiences and lessons he has learned throughout his journey. I am also sure as hell lucky I get to call my future stepdaughter, my future stepdaughter. She is one of the kindest people I have ever met.
On a final note. Not every bio-mom is high conflict, not every step mom is high conflict however it is very important to hold yourself accountable and check yourself.
My goal is to reduce the stigma and open up the conversation and their's only one way to do that.
Taking accountability for your life. So ask yourself...
Is what I'm doing helping the situation or making matters worse?
Am I the high conflict stepmom in this situation?
Remember your truth might not be someone else's truth.
Taking time for yourself and including self-care into your daily routine will go a long way in navigating anything. Stressor's won't knock you down as much as it use too when you focus on your own needs and passions. Focus on all the good you have going on in your life. Focus on gratitude. Don't spiral in all the negative. I know it’s hard but when you come out of that place and have reached a point of grace and clarity you will feel gratitude and find honor in the fact that you helped raise the most perfect human being and there is so much more beauty in that.
Until next time,
You got this Stepmama
-Daniela
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