A Stepmom journey can be one of the most difficult challenges. In fact it has been the most hardest thing I ever done and the most rewarding at the same time. Why? 

There is a stigma. 

Stepdads are taken as hero's meanwhile stepmom's don't get the same admiration. You're damned if you do, you're dammed if you don't. You're too involved, you’re not too involved. Your best life starts with you and I believe it is completely possible to succeed amongst all the extra stressors that come with this new role of being a stepmom. If you are a new stepmom, first off, take a deep breathe, it's all going to be okay. I know you have the potential to thrive in your role as a step mom but first off you have to dive in and ask yourself all the uncomfortable truths. What is working here? and what is not. In this post I want to share with you some of the most important lessons I learned along the way.

Disclaimer- This isn't a place to shame and bash others. This is a blog to open up the conversation about Step family life with an open mind. A place to have solution focused conversations and find understanding. 

1.  You don't know, what you don't know. Ever heard that saying '' well you knew what you were signing up for when you decided to date a man with kids?'' Thanks Susan, of course I knew but did I really know? I didn't know my partner's life would feel so controlled. I didn't know we would be living off a schedule I had no part in creating. No stepmom likes to hear this but I sure as hell don't think anyone would say to a pregnant woman '' Well you knew what you were signing up for when you decided to get pregnant! ''.  

You will find that there are a lot of double standards so find stepmom friends who you can relate to. You can't understand what you don't know. I could never understand the parents I work for who I help aide their children who have special needs. It is my job but it's not my experience. 

2. Hurt people hurt people. Happy independent people do not go around creating conflict. Happy people take control of their own life. If you are dealing with a high conflict person or situation, empathy will go a long way. Just think for a second that this person needs to go through life feeling so angry. It's good to consider maybe this person hasn't done the healing they would have liked to in order to have the relationship they may want with you. Remember It's more about them than it is about you. This is about where they are in their journey. Focus on yours and always be the bigger person. 

3. This isn't about you this is about what you represent. This one is my favorite. For the ex you may represent what she once wanted for her life. For your stepchild you may just represent that you are standing in between the relationship she may have with her mom or dad. It's not about you. Don't take it personal. 

4. Giving grace to the EX.  I'll say this again. What people do is more about them than it is about you. Pray for them send them love. Remember she is trying to process and navigate her own story. 

5. Play the long game. I didn't always play the long game. I've had my moments but here is the key. Ask yourself what do you want your stepchildren to remember about their childhood? Would you want them to remember their stepmom and mom fighting like cats and dogs? or would you want them to remember something along the lines of ''My stepmom or my mom went through a lot but she always handled it with grace''. I want my stepdaughter to remember the good and how she felt coming into our home. Little things such as soft music, candles, dimming the lights go a long way for setting the vibe of your home. 

6. Set Boundaries. When being deliberate about your relationship there has to be boundaries. Perhaps there is a lot of conflict going back and forth, entitlement etc. It's up to you and your partner to create a safe and healthy space for you and your family. Remember you don't need to attend every argument you're invited to. Get clear on what you will and will not communicate about. Get clear on who is doing what. 

It is entirely possible for two people to see the exact same situation completely different. No one is going to like a boundary that doesn't benefit them. They don't even have to respect it. Boundaries are not there for them, boundaries are there for you. They are there to protect the vibe of your home at all costs. Your home includes your stepchildren. It's like having a house with no front door or windows, you need to protect the vibe of your home. You may hear that you're insecure, controlling, possessive, the list goes on but all of that doesn't matter because when you're clear on who you are and what your true intentions are, what people think of you just won't matter. You won't find the need to explain yourself. 

7. Don't lose yourself. When I first came into the picture I wanted to do it all. I wanted to change my schedule to help my partner with his daughter. I came in with good intentions and honestly a lot of that backfired. I got resentful. I realized that some situations were affecting how I showed up for everyone. I realized I did not have to have my finger on everything. I disengaged. My partner was more than capable of handling his own, even though I didn't think he was at the time. 

8. Don't have expectations. Don't expect anything different. There was a time where my partner and I would be able to predict reactions and outcomes to certain situations. The stress was just not worth it. It's intimidating to live with inconsistency. 

Don’t expect anything from kids either, take your cue’s from them. Remember they didn’t sign up to have two homes. Two homes and two different set of house rules and expectations can be tough, and always always encourage quality time with their parent. 

The lessons go on but these were some of my top ones. Remember blended family life isn't a one size fits all. What works for one family may not work for another. When all is said and done remember you are a stepmom in the first place because you fell in love with this man. Never lose sight of focusing on your relationship. He is your person and if your relationship doesn't feel solid nothing else is worth the time and headache.  

I consider myself lucky that I get a better version of my partner because of his experiences and lessons he has learned throughout his journey. I am also sure as hell lucky I get to call my future stepdaughter, my future stepdaughter. She is one of the kindest people I have ever met. 

On a final note. Not every bio-mom is high conflict, not every step mom is high conflict however it is very important to hold yourself accountable and check yourself. 

My goal is to reduce the stigma and open up the conversation and their's only one way to do that.

Taking accountability for your life. So ask yourself...

Is what I'm doing helping the situation or making matters worse?

Am I the high conflict stepmom in this situation? 

Remember your truth might not be someone else's truth.

Taking time for yourself and including self-care into your daily routine will go a long way in navigating anything. Stressor's won't knock you down as much as it use too when you focus on your own needs and passions. Focus on all the good you have going on in your life. Focus on gratitude. Don't spiral in all the negative. I know it’s hard but when you come out of that place and have reached a point of grace and clarity you will feel gratitude and find honor in the fact that you helped raise the most perfect human being and there is so much more beauty in that.  

Until next time,

You got this Stepmama 

-Daniela 

In loving memory of my college best Friend Stephanie Chaipis

The other day I had learned that my best friend from college Stephanie Chaipis passed away tragically. I am still processing it. It doesn't feel real. I met Stephanie in Bergen Community College in 2008. I was 3 years older than her. 

We were both new at BCC in the fall of 2008. Some of my high school friends were attending BCC but Stephanie was the first new person I had met. I was in the lobby area waiting for my next class. We were both on our phones when she said to me with a smile on her face ''do you have service? I said ''no I don't either'' and that question started a conversation that turned into a friendship that made us inseparable. Stephanie started college at the age of 15. She was very intelligent and got transferred from her high school early on. A lot of people would ask me and say ''your 18! what are you doing with a 15 year old?’’ but Stephanie was so much more beyond her years. She was kind, she was fun, and she had a good heart. She never had a bad thing to say about anyone. Through those early college years Stephanie spent a lot of time at my house, we had countless sleepover's. Our nickname for each other was ''Smores'' because I was brunette with brown eyes and she was blonde with beautiful big blue eyes. We would stay up late and watch a show called ''The X effect'' till 2AM in my basement and record ourselves making funny music videos. Our favorite song to jam to was ''Right round'' by Flo Rida and Kesha. We would play that song a 100 times when Stephanie first got her car. Life was simple. We just had fun. 

Stephanie's parents passed away when she was a little girl. She lived with her Grandpa who was a math professor at BCC. We often would come to her Grandpa's office to do homework and hang out. I remember the very last time I saw her in that office, she had told me about a new guy she was dating. This is where the story turns. Shortly after seeing her that last time Stephanie had began a family of her own at a very young age, meanwhile I was living my 20's traveling and working. We would speak every so often but not like we use to since she had relocated to California and then eventually to Washington. I look back and find it so sad considering how close we were. She one time told me she lost her phone and to call her boyfriend to get a hold of her. I didn’t think anything of it, but nor did it make me want to reach out to her. The very last time I spoke to her was a few months before she passed. She had complimented me on starting a blog and told me she would like to start one on motherhood and asked me for some tips. Stephanie was a great writer and great at math, I mean, she did get into college at the age of 15. Little did we know that this blog would have an article about her. That conversation ended with me carelessly forgetting to respond to her last message. I wish I had responded to her and continued that conversation, maybe I could have been there to support her in what she was going through.

Stephanie had passed away a year ago right before her 28th birthday and I had no idea. I had no mutual friends or family that I spoke too and her facebook was never too active. Little did I know she was in an abusive relationship with that same man she told me about all these years. I had found out what happened to her when I came across a comment that said ''Happy Birthday in heaven Stephanie'' ''Your children are missing you''. I was shocked, numb, in disbelief that something horrible had happened to her. After speaking to some of Stephanie's relatives and reading news articles I discovered that her death was a homicide committed by her husband of 10 years with her children present in the home. She was 8 weeks pregnant...

One of the top 5 regrets from the dying according to (Bonnie Ware) who worked as a nurse for patients in the final weeks of their lives said '' I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends'' It doesn't take a lot to check in on someone. Text a friend right now and see how they are doing. It may put a smile on their face.

The details of Stephanie's passing is an all around tragedy. I pray she is at peace with her parents knowing her children are well taken care of. I have so many memories of her that I will remember forever. I will always remember her laugh and funny sense of humor. Our friendship may not be in the original form that it once was before but it still exists and I know I will see her again. Stephanie used to say this phrase to me often'' I'll catch ya on the flip side'' and it just sounds so bittersweet to me now.

                                                            

Steph and I in matching shirts before going out with our friend David who is still a good friend of mine

My 21st Birthday in NYC
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A dog's way home

We lost our beloved Rocky after 14 wonderful years with him. When I was a kid I knew I always wanted a Jack Russell. I began to want one when I would see commercials on television of a series called ''Wishbone''. The series was based on a Jack Russell who had brown patches, white fur and a clever personality. During my senior year of high school instead of paying attention in digital photography class, I was googling Jack Russel Terrier's for sale and came across a breeder in Tennessee. I sent over a deposit hoping it was real. I barely had experience purchasing anything online in 2008 let alone a dog, but I was convinced I was going to make it happen. 

When I told my mom that I had purchased a dog she said if you bring a dog here ''you're leaving with the dog''. I was a very rebellious teenager so of course he was still coming. He was scheduled to arrive by my 18th birthday so my dad went to pick up him up at Newark airport. He was 8 weeks old. It was love at first sight. I was his human and he was mine. I can still remember his pink paws and little pink nose. The way he use to look up at me with those eyes. He had these two brown patches on top of his head that made him so unique and the reason I chose him.  

                                                                           Rocky's advertised photo 

As time went on Rocky got stronger, faster, and hyper. He took me out on walks. He was the kind of dog that you knew was not properly trained when you would see us out in public. He was spoiled instead of trained. Rocky made our house a HOME. He was there through some of my darkest days. He would lay next to me and stare and lick my face when I would cry. He was there for me through many life transitions. He took me on many adventures, he even got us all sprayed by a skunk once and chased a squirrel into our home with everyone screaming as if the floor was lava. He loved when I would play the piano or sing to him. He would howl along and sing. He loved laying out in the sun and tan like his owner, but most of all he was a loyal companion who loved his family.

The last year of Rocky's life wasn't easy. He had low blood sugar among many things. Everything just stopped being fun. We had both grown up. I left my home during the last few months of his life and began my adult life. I missed him often, but when I visited, which was almost everyday, he didn't want to be held or bothered. It seemed as if he was in pain and uncomfortable and I knew it was only a matter of time. He would pace around during the nights and hide. The last day of his life I got a call that he woke up to multiple seizures and they wouldn't stop. We admitted him to Oradell hospital in hopes of it stopping but his little body wasn't responding to any medication and the seizures continued through out the day. We knew we had to make a very painful decision. I didn't want him to seizure throughout the night alone. The doctor believed we had come to that final place.

It took so much courage and everything in me to avoid making this decision. My entire family came together to be at his side. Not one of us could hold back tears. It just didn't seem fair to have to make this decision for someone we love, but I wanted him to be at peace. If love could have saved him, he would have lived on forever. I dreaded this day from the moment we met. The doctor asked who wanted to hold his weak sedated body. I held him and started to cry uncontrollably as we all talked to him and told him how much we loved him. All of a sudden a seizure began. I asked for someone to get a doctor. I didn't know what to do. I just looked up at the ceiling and prayed and hoped it would stop and it did after 30 seconds. Then it happened again... I knew this was the reassurance I needed that we were doing the right thing. 

No one knows how hard it is to lose a pet unless you've had to go through it. The first few days I felt numb and an immense amount of guilt as most people do when they lose a pet. I would pass by the park driving home from work and look at the people walking their dogs and think to myself that maybe we should have gone to the park more, maybe I should have done something different. The should have's are endless. I knew we had exhausted every option, every penny off list when it came to his health but in the end there wasn't much I could do. The one thing I could not protect him from was time. 

Rocky changed my life on how I view the bond between a human and a pet. They are loyal companions. They are always there to listen. They are a furry friend to sit beside you as you both watch television, a furry friend to share a bed with. A dog is only here for a few chapters of our lives but we are forever for them, their entire world. My children will one day know all the funny stories of Rocky and his memory will remain alive. Rocky has crossed Rainbow Bridge and left paw prints in my heart forever. We love you forever Rocky and will always miss your cold nose and warm heart. 

Rocky not wanting to cuddle

Rocky with his siblings 

Rocky and I in 2008

Rocky before bedtime

Rocky when he was 1 years old 

Rocky with his sister Roxy

Rocky with his girlfriend Milky

Rocky's 14th birthday a few weeks before his passing

Rocky Halloween 2010. He wore costumes every year 

Rocky as Superman

Rocky with his cousin RJ

Rocky on one of his birthdays

Rocky listening to me play piano

Rocky & Milky possessed

Rocky at Christmas time. He loved Christmas

Rocky looking for more food

A dog doesn't care if you're rich or poor, educated or illiterate, clever or dull. Give him your heart and he will give you his. (Marley & Me)

what does self development mean to you?

We all want to do better. At least most of us. We all want different outcomes. Being self aware and improving in all area's of my life is something I hold close to my heart.

What is self development? 

In my own words it’s overcoming bad habits while stepping into the most aligned version of ourselves. Whether it’s about your career goals, your relationships, or dreams. You know what you want out of this life. You are self aware and want to do the work. You think before saying or doing something because you are in the right direction. You are in check with yourself. In simple terms, you want to improve. However, I don’t think we ever stop doing the work to improve. We just don’t. We are human. There is always room to grow. We make mistakes… 

I am a huge believer of therapy. I want to know the root of every emotion I'm feeling. I am a believer of bringing topics all the way up from under the surface. No one likes a surface level conversation. There is a reason for everything and most of our habits begin at an early age. In my opinion therapy is one of the biggest things you can do to achieve self development. Just because you read a self book once won't change our life, it takes daily practice. 

The purpose of self development is to have a winner’s mindset. From the words of Rhonda Byrne in her book called ''The Power'' which is a continuation of one of her most amazing books ‘’The Secret’’. She opens her book with these wise words. You are meant to have an amazing life! You are meant to have everything you love and want in life. Your work is meant to be exciting. Your relationships with your family and friends are meant to be filled with happiness. You are meant to have all the money you need to live a full, wonderful life. If you want to travel you are meant to travel. If you would love to start a business you are meant to start a business. If you would love to learn to sail a yacht or study Italian you are meant to do those things. If you would love to be a musician, a scientist, a performer, a parent or whatever it is you would love to be, you are meant to be it! 

This world is filled with abundance and those who don’t want to practice self development are not turning the page. So what are the steps to better yourself? Their’s no rule book or one size fits all. First get uncomfortable. Change is uncomfortable. There is nothing new that comes out of comfort zones. When I quit my job in the middle of a pandemic with no back up plan simply because I outgrew where I was working. It was uncomfortable but it brought me so much more knowledgeable and experience in the 15+ zoom interviews that I had. I listened to my gut on choosing the right job that was for ME in the matter of 3 weeks. 

The steps I’ve taken to begin my journey into personal development are First calm yourself and de-stress. Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s ok to make mistakes. This is coming from someone who is super hard on themselves. Anyone want to continue getting advice from me? :) It’s okay when you did the opposite of what you said you were going to do. Just don’t pack up and stay there. Feel all the emotions you need to feel because it's the only way through, then move on.

Gratitude I know you’ve heard this before. Always.. practice.. gratitude. Focus on what you have, not on what you don’t. Gratitude will bring more positive emotions into your life and you will build stronger relationships.

Work out When was the last time you had good work out??  I'm sure we all know the benefits of working out so we don't need to go there. Working out can help your brain get on the right track when your aligning into becoming the best version of yourself so who doesn't want to feel good? think good? and also look good? :)

Meditate When was the last time you took 5 minutes to yourself and just sat in silence and blocked out the noise. I know this is something that is hard for most people. I wasn’t very into meditation when I first started, and I don’t do this as part of my everyday ritual, but I do it at least every other day especially with my partner. I put my headphones on, the comfy kind that block out any noise for focus. When I am also in this space of peace, I pray. I may also repeat affirmations to myself such as “I am enough” “I am a magnet for all the great things I want to attract into my life” any positive self talk !

Revolve yourself around the right people who are making strides to be the best version of themselves as well. It’s all about what your feeding into your brain. Misery likes company. This can even go for social media as well. Unfollow accounts that don’t inspire you. You want to feel motivated, you want to gain something. Think about all the positive things social media is for, perhaps learning a new skill? Learn a recipe, learn some new beauty tips, or follow some pages with good words of wisdom to share.

Overcome your fears Identify triggers, really think about what will be the effect after the cause if something doesn’t work out. Will this matter in 5 years? If you need help with this journal it out. Ask your self these questions. What is this really about? What are you afraid of? 

Practice random acts of kindness,

Remember what you give out into the universe will come back to you.

''When you want to attract 

something in your life, make sure 

your actions don't contradict your desires''

 Author unknown

This is all I have for now. Until then keep growing, keep crossing off your goals. You are meant for so much more in this life and you don't even know it!

                                                                                -Daniela

I ran my first half-marathon and did not train for it

 

I participated in half-marathon and finished! They say if you are not a runner, running in a marathon may be the dumbest thing to do. My boyfriend George is a runner and participates in these types of races every other weekend. My friend Thais told us she joined this race called “Rock the River” that was local and for us to sign up. Of my course my boyfriend was all in but this time he was asking me to join since my friend would be participating too. It's always been on my bucket list to join a race but NEVER a race this big. I’m no runner. George and I go running every so often but it is not something I do consistently like he does. It had been around 2 weeks since I ran prior to the race. I KNOW. CRAZY.

The night before my race I started googling ''running a race without much training'' and one of the first things I read is “this may cause injury”, but I knew I was going to succeed, and I knew the sore pains would heal. The morning of the race came.

I didn’t need to go fast.

I just needed to jog.

 

 

The lack of training meant that my ribs would hurt and soon my legs would start to hurt too.

I was ok with testing my endurance and knew that if I needed to walk I was going to walk. I gave up at mile 8 not because my body wouldn’t allow me to keep running but my knees had given out. Every time I wanted to run I had this throbbing pain in both of my knees. I walked as fast as I could from mile 8 to 13.  I started to do math in my head and sing songs to distract myself. The scenery where the race had started under the George Washington bridge had miles and miles of views of the Hudson River and NYC skyline. It made the journey all more worth it and peaceful. As I was on my hike I eventually was by myself.  Every runner was so spread apart on the path. Some I would see from time to time and some would disappear on the path. 

 

There was water given at every 2 miles. Every time I would see one of those coming up it felt like heaven. As I was approaching the loop which was about half way in,  I saw runners heading back who had gotten to the half way mark way before me. My boyfriend was one of these runners all drenched but running all cool and collected. We passed each other, he was on full running mode and I was starting to jog slower and slower.

When I looked around the half way mark I saw an elderly man who was on his way to the half way mark. He shakes his head and says to me “it's not easy” I said to him your not far from the half way mark it's almost time to turn around”! He later on catches up to me as we approach mile 11. I couldn’t believe a man of his age was in this race. I thought maybe he did this in his younger years and has good stamina. It inspired me.

 

The last 2 miles seemed like they were going forever. Eventually I made it back to that view of the George Washington Bridge and could see the big finish line under it. I starting limping but pushed myself to make it through. I did it!

George made it to the finish line 5th place. I was one of the last runner's but that didn't even matter because I was PROUD. 

I would definitely recommend doing a race, BUT train at your own risk! The human body is an amazing thing and you know yours better then anyone else so listen to it. I am lucky I didn’t get injured. An experience like this changed my life and I am happy that I crossed this off my bucket list. Now, here we are 3 days later, still sore but the experience and excitement made it all worth it. 

30 empowering Lessons I learned before 30

Thirty flirty and thriving

As my 30th approaches on the 29th of April I have started to reflect on all the things I did in my 20's. The good, the bad, the ugly. All the things I did that I never thought I would do. Before 25 If I thought of what it would be like to turn 30 I'd think ''wow that's old'' when I turned 28 I started to look at 30 with more excitement and feeling thankful. Why? because 30 is a privilege. This may be a LONG post to squeeze into 30 years so get ready. I called this blog post 30 empowering lessons because an empowered woman is someone who is in control of her life. She knows where her strengths and weaknesses are and each one of my lessons have shaped me into the strong woman I am today...

My thoughts on COVID-19

I hope that everyone is staying safe and coping during this difficult and scary time. In many countries of the world people are living in fear. Italy just passed China in the number of deaths and it will only get worse before it gets better. Unless you are living under a rock you know what is going on and how to take precaution. The future is unknown and the panic is real due to what is being created in the media and it by no means is helping our situation.

My journey towards healing

2019 a year of growth. As this year comes to an end I've come closer to finding myself and started working on healing.

A letter to my younger self

Dear Younger me,

I have traveled back in time to deliver you a message. I hope to share with you lessons of wisdom you are about to learn. You're 18 and have no idea what the world holds before you as you finish high school. I chose this time because this is where you would need me most. Life will be filled with amazing experiences of happiness, joy, pain and loss. You're already questioning the way things are, have courage to turn

A blog for the anxious

At some point in our lives most of us have dealt with a serious level of anxiety that would qualify as a disorder. For some people like me this is just a normal part of life. It's common to get all wrapped up in our jobs, finances, families, relationships, social media. We forget to do more of the things that make us happy. At times it may be about whats going on in our personal life, other times it helps make you alert of danger.